


Plot Bunny Genocide

by Apocrypha



Category: Highlander: The Series, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack Crossover, Crossover, Fluff and Humor, Multi, Wonderland jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 07:15:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2220273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apocrypha/pseuds/Apocrypha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bunny holes; clothing changes; sunglasses; and a slightly viscous, highly refined petroleum product.  And, eventually, naked people.  Lots of them.  NOTES: I tried to hit all my favorite fanfic clichés.  Sorry if I missed yours.  Nothing about this should be taken seriously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Plot Bunny Genocide

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Genocídio dos Coelhinhos de Ideias](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6023275) by [Rosetta (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Rosetta)



It was a beautiful, perfect day on PX-whatever.  It was so beautiful, and so perfect that the intrepid members of SG-1 had lain down to take a nap on the soft grass-covered rolling hill in the coolness of some shade trees.

(Yes, they took a nap.  Yes, all of them.  Work with me here, would you?)

It was Colonel O'Neill who woke first, brought out of sleep by a weight on his chest.  After the initial gasp of surprise...

"Ahhh!"

... he brought up his MP5, scooted back, and shot the large, fluffy white bunny to bits. (And bits and bits.  Eww. MP5's are really not made for bunny killing.)

Thus it was that the other members of Colonel O'Neill's team were awoken to the sound of automatic gunfire.  They reacted to this according to the training and habits of each, which involved various degrees of crouching and much drawing of weaponry.  It was then that all realized they were surrounded.

Surrounded, and then some.

Everywhere they looked, SG-1 could see large, fluffy white bunnies.  Most were looking at Colonel O'Neill somewhat reproachfully.  The rest were munching on the soft grass.  There must have been hundreds of them. 

(Hundreds?  Yes, hundreds.  Stay with me.)

"Uh, folks?  Any ideas?"  Colonel O'Neill's team shook their respective heads. 

After a pause, Daniel volunteered, "I don't think they liked you killing that one."  He gestured vaguely to the remains of the very deceased bunny Jack had shot, and shot, and shot.  Indeed, most of the bunnies were continuing to look a little reproachful.  Then, as though moving as one, the bunnies began forming an opening.  A path opened up before SG-1, heading to the other side of the hill, and in the back, bunnies began to nudge in the direction of the path.

 "I think we're supposed to go that way, sir."  Major Carter offered the hypothesis without any real conviction, but Teal'c concurred.

 "I concur, O'Neill."

 Letting the bunnies lead them around the apex of the hill, SG-1 found itself faced with an opening in the ground.  Sort of like a cave, but more like a very large...

"...rabbit hole."

"Huh?"

"I said it's a rabbit hole, Jack.  Albeit, a very large one."  Daniel gestured.  "A man-sized rabbit hole."

The bunnies were being very insistent.  The members of SG-1 regarded each other.  Jack stepped forward and into the hole.  Teal'c followed after the Colonel, and Daniel swept his arm before him when Sam caught his eye.

"After you, Alice."  She made a face, but entered.

The way was dark, but the bunnies found their way unerringly.  After a time, the dirt floor became a boardwalk, then steps appeared, then wooden walls, and a ceiling, and then...

"I think it's an attic, sir."

"We're in an attic?  An attic?  Whose attic?"

There was much shrugging of shoulders.  The attic contained two dormer windows, and another door.  The team assumed their "opening a strange door in a strange place" positions, but the door was opened and the area beyond it scanned without incident.  The bunnies moved forward.

Daniel gestured down the newly exposed hallway.  "Still following the bunnies, Jack?"

"Bunnies?  I thought they were rabbits.  Rabbit hole, rabbits, right?  When did they get to be bunnies?"

"I think they've always been bunnies, Jack.  It was a bunny hole."

"A bunny hole?"

"I know.  Just doesn't have the same flow, does it?  Nevertheless...."

"Fine.  Whatever.  Bunnies.  Let's go."  And the team moved down the hallway, and into the body of the house.

This proved to be tougher going than they had anticipated.  The farther they moved into the house, the smaller the house got.  The doors and rooms seemed to becoming less than human sized, and Teal'c was having a difficult time getting through.  Eventually, they ended up at the long hallway that led to the front door.  Teal'c had been in the lead, but was unable to move into the hallway.  With an exasperated sigh, Colonel O'Neill had removed his own pack, and motioned to Teal'c to drop his, as well.  The large man did so, but still couldn't fit his frame into the hallway.  Finally, with a resigned look, he removed his SGC jacket, and his black t-shirt as well.  That done, he was just barely able squeeze towards the exit.

(Why didn't they go back?  Because the way was blocked by all the bunnies, excepting the few that were underfoot.  Haven't you been paying any attention?)

Major Carter and Dr. Jackson dropped their own packs with trepidation, and followed the Colonel.  They themselves were followed by all the bunnies.  Teal'c reached the house's front door, opened it, stepped through, and in doing so sprung a tripwire.  The tripwire pulled down a bucket, and trapped in the confines of the doorway, Teal'c had no choice but to be coated with the contents of the bucket.  He also tripped, and, in falling, crushed several bunnies that had the misfortune of being underfoot.

Gingerly, Major Carter reached out a finger and took a swipe at the clear substance covering the Jaffa.

"It...um...it appears to be a slightly viscous, highly refined petroleum product.  Sir."

"A slightly viscous, highly refined petroleum product?"

"Yes, sir."

"Baby oil, Carter?"

"Yes, sir."

"Oh, for cryin' out.... Okay, whatever.  You okay, Teal'c?"

"I am uninjured, O'Neill.  My pride, however, is somewhat...dented."

"Nice attempt at slang, Teal'c.  Shall we?"  Around them, the bunnies were shifting restlessly.

The front door of the house had opened into a very strange forest.  The time of day was indeterminable; it was light enough to see, though the misshapen trees cast deep shadows.  There were also very, very large mushrooms growing here and there in the clearings between the trees.

"Nobody eats nothing.  Anyone got a problem with that order?"

No one did, and they moved out, through the trees and bizarre undergrowth, following the bunnies.  Eventually, the trees opened up, and the ground got rocky.  Cliffs began to spring up on either side of the group.  The bunnies worked their way down the pass, and came to an area where the ground began to get soft.  Large swampy pools stretched out before the team, bubbling slightly.  A delicate path wound through the bubbling, smelly pools, and in near single-file the bunnies proceeded.

"I think it's acid, Colonel.  It smells like acid."

"What does acid smell like, Carter?"

She made a face at him that he didn't see.  "Acidic, sir."

"Oh, sure, that makes sense."

The path of clear ground got smaller and smaller.  Ahead of Colonel O'Neill's feet lay a plank of wood spanning the last of the acid pools.  Beyond it lay more forest.  Bunnies were cheerfully crossing the span of wood, and had begun to frolic in the woods.

"Peachy."  Carefully, Jack place one foot in front of the other, and slowly crossed the plank.  Moving with grace and dignity, if not more clothing, Teal'c followed afterwards.  Quite some time passed as a large number of bunnies passed over the makeshift bridge.  Then Major Carter passed over without incident.  Finally, it was Daniel's turn.  He made it almost all the way before several bunnies threw themselves under his feet at the same time that a large number jumped onto the plank.  There was bobbing, weaving, some cursing, then Daniel and the bunnies went into the acid with a large SPLOOSH.

The bunnies sank without complaint, the surface of the acid closing over their little fluffy heads with finality.  Daniel, on the other hand, thrashed and called for help.  Help came in the form of Jack and Teal'c's hands grabbing Daniel's wrists and hauling him bodily from the pool.  His clothes had already begun to steam, however, and he began to tear them off until he was standing before his teammates, dry and unharmed, but totally naked.

"One joke from you, Jack, and I'll shoot you with your own gun.  I mean it.  Don't push me."

Jack chortled, but didn't speak.  Sam and Teal'c, for their part, were silently appreciative. 

In the mad dash to divest Daniel of his clothing, the bunnies had been temporarily forgotten.  Sam noticed them first, as a commotion off to the side caught her eye.

"Uh, sir?  Daniel?  I think they have something..."

Indeed, the bunnies did have something.  They were dragging a package over the ground with their teeth, and pushing it with their noses.  Jack stepped forward, picked up the package and inspected it.  He chortled again, composed himself, turned to Daniel, opened his mouth to speak, closed it, chortled some more, and composed himself again.  Daniel crossed his arms and fumed, waiting not-so-patiently.  Jack risked speaking again, and managed it this time, though not without a wide grin.

"The bunnies brought you something to wear, Danny."  He tossed the package at his very annoyed archeologist.

"Pajamas!!!"  Daniel was livid.  "I lose my clothes and I get...pajamas?!"  He was beyond indignation.  Teal'c, feeling a little relieved, was beginning to think being covered in a slightly viscous, highly refined petroleum product wasn't so bad.  His pride certainly thought so, and, in fact, was beginning to acknowledge how nicely his skin glistened.  And there were worse things...  "I mean...pajamas!!?"

"Well, Danny, you could walk around naked.  Not the way I'd go, but..."

"Oh, shut up, Jack."  Daniel tore open the plastic package and began putting on the light blue flannel pajamas.

"They do look lovely on you," Sam offered.

"Oh, you shut up, too."

The bunnies were beginning to twitter and shuffle.  Daniel finished buttoning up the pajama tops, and with a last glare at his teammates, stalked off after the now-moving, smaller-than-when-they-started bunny horde.

They really hadn't gone very far at all when another commotion caught the team's attention.  It was another pack of bunnies moving in, dragging clothing as they went.  Jack stepped forward, looked down and saw his leather jacket.  Off a little to the right, a lone bunny sat with Jack's sunglasses perched on the top of its little white head. 

Jack looked at Teal'c.

Jack looked at Daniel.

Jack looked around the forest.  He didn't see any acid pools, or pails of baby oil, but made a quick tactical assessment, and thought, all in all, that he was getting off lightly.  With a smile and a shrug, he slipped off his SGC jacket, pulled on the leather, and slid on the sunglasses.  With a broad grin, he spread his arms.

"Happy?"  He asked of no one in particular.

Daniel did not look happy in the slightest; neither did Teal'c.  The bunnies looked as delighted as possible, until a large, smiling cat pounced at a group of them from a branch above and slaughtered half a dozen, needlessly and brutally, before they could get away.  The cat, then, looked happy as well.  Sam and Daniel looked a little green.  The cat, still smiling, began to fade away until only it's smile remained.  Then that, too, vanished, and only the bloody bodies of the bunnies gave testament to its having been there at all.  The remaining bunnies began to hop forward.

Jack indicated the direction with a sweep of his arm and a broad grin, and the group began moving.  Teal'c and Daniel favored their commander with dark looks as they passed him, but he ignored them, smirked at Daniel's back, and proceeded through the trees.

The trees began to thin out again, and the team was wondering what was ahead when the leading bunnies stopped and began gathering in a group.  SG-1 approached the group with caution.

"What do you think they're waiting for?"

"I don't know, but I don't like it.  Fan out, people."

It was too late.  Major Carter, watching her team's six, took one more step forward, and suddenly the entire forest floor gave out from under them.  One Jaffa, three humans and a large number of bunnies fell a short distance and landed with an...

"UMPH!"

Many, many, bunnies gave their lives breaking the falls for SG-1.  Jack, and more privately, the rest of his team, failed to mourn their loss.

"Damn bunnies, anyway."

SG-1 looked around their new surroundings.  They were in a woman's dressing room, the kind one would find on stage set.  There was a vanity table, a privacy screen, and a clothing rack, with only one item of clothing on it.

"Ooh, nice, Major."

"No way, sir.  I'd rather have Daniel's pajamas.  Can I have your pajamas, Daniel?"

"Well, I'm not wearing the dress, Sam, so frankly, not no, but hell no."

"Danny!  Language!"

"Bite me, Jack.  You're the only here that's managed to stay dressed, and I don't think you're going to get any sympathy."  A quick glance around the room proved Daniel's theory to be correct.

"Carter's still dressed.  You can stay in uniform, Major, if you'd like."  Jack grinned at the bunnies, and his voice dropped to a slow drawl.  "I'm suuuuure the bunnies won't mind.  Certain, in fact.  I mean really, what can they do?  What sort of embarrassing, public way would they think of to get you out of your clothes?  Really, the acid pool thing's been done, and I don't...."

"With all respect, sir, shut up."

"Ya know, I've noticed when you say 'with all respect, sir', it usually means you're about to say something really disrespectful."

His second-in-command merely glared at him, and moved behind the privacy screen, grabbing the offending dress off the rack as she went.  The switch was quickly made, and then, instead of moving out towards her team, Major Carter went to the vanity table and checked her hair and make-up.  She touched up her lipstick, brushed her hair, and turned to the men.

In unison, their jaws dropped.  Well, not Teal'c's.  His eyebrows raised.  The dress was red silk, cut like a second skin for the Major, with a halter-top and a neckline that plunged almost to her navel.  It was backless, dipping down far past her lower back, and there was a train that trailed on the floor behind her.

"Anyone got any smart-ass comments?  Colonel?  Daniel?"  She paused as she addressed each of them.  There was no danger of comments, smart-ass or otherwise, from any of them.  They were, in fact, hardly able to breathe.  The bunnies, for their part, were hopping towards the back of the dressing room, where there was a loft elevator, the entrance of which was covered by a gate.

Bunnies wiggled in under the gate, Jack pulled the gate back, and the team entered the lift.  A couple of bunnies were 'accidentally' caught in the gate and smashed when it closed.  Sam smiled a little.  She was beginning to really dislike the bunnies.

The lift went down, down, down, and Jack was on the verge of making 'bunny hole' jokes when it stopped.  He slid the gate back, and stepped into the room.

Or, loft, really.  To the right and beside the lift was a kitchen.  Couches were arranged in front of them.  At the back of the loft, a large, low bed loomed.  Bunnies began hopping around aimlessly.  A couple found their way under the coffee table and began, well, screwing like bunnies.  Jack rolled his eyes.  He was just about to lose his patience entirely.

"Just what the hell's going on?"  He said to the room at large, and was surprised when he got a response.

"That's what I'd like to know."  The speaker and a companion were emerging from the lift.  The speaker was a tall, broad-shouldered man with long hair pulled back in a ponytail.  His clothing was so impeccable in cut, material and coordination, that Jack could only assume the man was either very gay, or had been being trained by the bunnies for a very long time.  The speaker's companion was almost as tall, but thin, rakish even, and looked as though perhaps he'd been born with that superior, amused expression on his face.  Jack had made a life out of threat assessment.  These two were both dangerous, but right now neither was attempting to threaten.  The second man spoke.  His voice was as cultured and annoying as Jack had assumed it would be.

"Isn't it obvious, Mac?"  He waved a careless hand towards the floor.  "Look.  Bunnies."

'Mac' looked down, took in the room as a whole, including the Jaffa, covered with a slightly viscous, highly refined petroleum product, and sighed.

"Na' again.  We've barely had the place cleaned up from the last time."  There was the slightest bit of a whine in his rich, accent-laced voice.  His eyes found the bunnies under the coffee table, and he accepted his fate.  Looking up and smiling, he introduced himself.  "I'm Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod, at your service.  This," he indicated his friend.  "Is Methos, the world's oldest living Immortal."

"Mac!"

"Oh, give it up, Methos.  There are bunnies involved.  Play along or face the consequences alone."

Methos considered this, accepted it as well, and shrugged.  "Fine."

Jack stepped forward slightly, and gestured towards himself, then at his team.  "I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF.  This is Dr. Daniel Jackson, Teal'c, and Major Carter, USAF."

"Major Carter?"  Methos drawled, taking in the dress with amusement dancing in his eyes.  "Where do you keep your gun in that outfit, Major?"

"Ask me that again and I'll show you," Sam said with a dangerous glint in her eye.  Jack beamed with pride.  His second was radiant when she was angry.  He was far, far too smart to say so, of course.  But it was true.

"Be careful of her, Methos," Jack drawled.  "She bites."

"I certainly hope so," Methos drawled back, a spark beginning to form in his eyes.

Duncan laid a hand on Methos' arm.  "Methos, be polite to the Major.  Can' you see the bunnies have been at work?"

Sam smiled at Duncan for the rescue.  Duncan smiled back, turning on the charm.  Sam smiled even brighter, one of her trademark 'light up the room smiles'.  It lit the room up so much, in fact, that everyone had to avert their eyes.  When they could look up, Sam and Duncan were engaged in a very ardent lip-lock.  Jack coughed.  Neither Sam nor Duncan seemed the least bit inclined to stop.  Methos looked around at the group seemed to regard Daniel for a moment, then looked at Jack, and finally, back at the kissing couple. 

"Hmm.   I think the fastest way to a bunny-free environment is if I remain here."  With that, he pulled a sword out of his coat --

 _Where the hell did he get a sword?_ Jack thought.  It was easily larger than the coat.

\-- and without a pause slew a handful of bunnies with a single stroke.  Then he dropped the sword, pulled off the coat, and walked to Sam and Duncan, who were still kissing.  He ran his hands up the Major's bare back.

"If I promise not to tease you anymore, will you promise not to shoot me?"

She pulled away from Duncan, looked at Methos, and back at Duncan.  "Is he worth putting up with?"

Duncan's eyes danced.  "Oh, yes.  He's very, very old.  He _knows_ things."

Sam tilted her head, thinking, then looked back at Methos.  "You can stay."  She beamed a glorious smile at him, and turned back to Duncan, who recaptured her mouth.  Methos buried his face in her neck, and she brought a hand up to his hair.

Across the room, Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c stared at the threesome in shock, riveted to the floor until Duncan groaned and Methos unfastened the clasp at the neck of Major Carter's red silk dress.

"Um, guys," Daniel ventured.  "Maybe we should... uh..."

"Leave."  Teal'c said succinctly.

"Yeah.  Leave."  Jack added.  Even so, there were a couple more beats that passed before the rest of SG-1 followed the last handful of bunnies back onto the lift.  Jack, turning to close the gate, looked up at the giggle made by Sam as Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod scooped her up in his arms and headed to the bed.  Methos trailed behind them, stripping off his clothes as he went, and savagely kicked a bunny out of the way.

Silently, the lift descended.  Before them now lay a workout/practice gym room with sparring mats.  Only three bunnies hopped out of the lift, and began to make their ways across the room.  Still in silence, the human and Jaffa trio followed, and stopped in unison as the door to the street opened.

 The woman who walked in was tall and beautiful.  She smiled immediately when she saw them and crossed the distance to them with long strides.  Her eyes and very short hair were dark, and her smile was seductive.

"And who might you three be?  No, no, wait."  She glanced at a stray bunny, then fixed her gaze back on the men.  "Doesn't matter.  A girl's gotta move quick when the bunnies are about."  She looked at them all thoughtfully, chewing prettily on her lip as she considered her choice.  It was pretty obvious from the way her eyes kept returning to Teal'c's oil-covered chest what her choice was going to be.  Her left hand reached out and one long, elegant finger traced its way over the dark-hued muscle mass.

"Is that....?"  she frowned slightly, looking at her fingertip.

"A slightly viscous, highly-..."

"Baby oil, Teal'c.  Joke's getting old."  Jack was a little grumpy.  He liked the woman.  A lot.  He briefly considered pointing out the pouch and introducing Junior, but dismissed the idea as petty.

"Teal'c?"  She looked delighted.  "How...exotic!  I'm Amanda."  She leaned forward as she spoke her name.  Teal'c was obviously quite taken with her.  Obviously.  Quite.  He was almost displaying emotion.  Amanda pulled back, frowning slightly.  "We really need to do something about these bunnies, though."  She pulled a couple of long, thin throwing daggers from her sleeve --

 _Do all these people carry knives?_ Jack thought.  _And how?_

\-- and threw them unerringly at a pair of bunnies, who slumped soundlessly, impaled on the daggers.

"You two can go now," Amanda said brightly at Jack and Daniel.  Then she took an extra moment to graze appraisingly at them, and her voice took on a decidedly husky quality.  "Don't go far, though, boys.  The bunnies are almost all dead, and that's when the fun really starts."

Teal'c, apparently having fully drained some inner reservoir of patience, pulled Amanda into his arms and gave her a searing kiss.  Amanda approved, and ruined several hundreds of dollars of silk and cashmere clothing by pressing it recklessly to his torso, covered with the slightly... oh, heck.  The baby oil.

Jack and Daniel looked at each other, back at Teal'c and Amanda, and then searched for any remaining bunnies to follow.  There was one, one last bunny.  It hopped to the door, and they followed it out, and onto the street.

The setting seemed incongruous, though, as the door opened onto a riverbank.  Jack couldn't put his finger on it, but that seemed wrong, somehow. 

(Yeah, yeah, none of it's made sense.  So?) 

The bunny hopped to a boarding plank that spanned the distance between the riverbank and a long, black-painted barge.  Jack and Daniel followed it up onto the barge, and to the barge's door.  Jack opened the door, and the bunny entered, followed by an archeologist in light blue flannel pajamas, and a former Special Ops Colonel, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses.

The interior of the barge was beautifully decorated, but the bunny led them past the décor, and to the back bedroom, where another huge and sumptuous bed awaited them.  The bunny stopped, turned, and looked at them.  It settled down, twitched its nose, and waited.

Jack looked at the bunny.

Jack looked Daniel.

Daniel looked at Jack, expectantly.

Jack took off his sunglasses, tossed them onto a table, and looked back at the bunny.  "Sheesh, alright, already.  I'm dense; I'm not stupid.  I can take a hint."

"Can you?"  Daniel asked.  "After all, it's been," Daniel glanced at his watch.  "Four years and you still haven't kissed me."

"Just a few more seconds, Danny.  Only one thing left to do."  And with that, in one smooth motion he pulled his pistol from its holder, flipped the safety, took aim and shot the last bunny without a moment's hesitation.  Then he flipped the safety back on the gun, and tossed it onto the table with his glasses.

Daniel was grinning at him.  That special, flirtatious grin he normally reserved for planetary-scale mass murderers.  "Nicely done, Jack."  He removed his own glasses and they followed the gun onto the table.

"Anything to impress you, Danny."  And with that, he scooped Daniel up into his arms and kissed him soundly.  The room was filled for some time with a decided lack of dialogue.  After a bit, Daniel pulled back.

"Also nicely done, Jack."

"Nice?  Oh, we can step that up."  With a sweep of his leg and hip, and a guiding force from his arm, Jack knocked Daniel back onto the bed, and fell on top of him.  There was, once again, a decided lack of dialogue, but much removal of clothing, even the jammies, though Jack secretly mourned their loss, as did some readers.

Time passed, as time does, bunnies or no, and the boys were beginning to come to an inescapable conclusion.

"Shouldn't we be tired?"

"I think so.  It's almost as if this whole experience has been outside the bounds of what we normally define as reality..."

"Ya think?"

"...almost like a vision quest, or ..."

"You had a point, right, Danny?"

"I'm not sure we're actually in our bodies, Jack.  Or, if we are, perhaps our bodies are getting energy from some...um...outside source."

Jack looked dubious.

"Well, those are the theories, anyway.  What?  Why are you grinning?"

"I had an idea."  Jack explained the idea.

"Not at all a bad idea, Jack, but for that we'd need lube."

"Lube.  Right.  Where would I keep lube?"  He looked around the bedroom.

"Nightstand?"  Daniel pointed.

"Gotcha."  Jack scooted over to the nightstand and opened the drawer.  Inside were several tubes and bottles, labeled 'Lick Me', 'Drink Me', 'Rub Me' and so on.

"Sweet."  Jack said.

The bottles did prove to be lube, and were indeed sweet.  They also seemed to have the effect of making objects grow and subsequently shrink in size, but a little experimentation and careful evaluation of theories stood the boys in good stead.  After much, much experimentation -- the theories had to be double-checked -- Daniel suggested a position Jack was quite certain was not the slightest bit physically possible.  Daniel was heart-set on proving something about their physical conditions, and Jack just couldn't bring himself to argue.  A while later they came to their triumphant conclusion, Daniel's theory holding true, and with a cheering audience, to boot.

Jack collapsed and rolled off his archeologist.  Standing at the foot of the bed were Duncan, Sam, Methos, Amanda, Teal'c, and Doctor Frasier.  They were all cheering, and they were all completely naked.

"Doc?  Where'd you come from?"

Teal'c inclined his head.  "I went back and retrieved the Doctor.  It seemed... appropriate."

"Good call, Teal'c.  It's initiative like that that makes me proud to serve with you."

Teal'c inclined his head again at the compliment.  "Thank you, O'Neill."

"And it's a good thing I'm here, too.  Someone needs to watch the nutrition and fluid levels."

"Fluid levels?"  The question came from several quarters.

Janet smiled collectively at the group.  "I think it's been proven that none of you are very good at taking care of yourselves.  I shall have to keep a close eye on each and every one of you.  A close eye."  Her own eyes glinted devilishly.

"Speaking of nutrition," Duncan's voice got everyone's attention.  "It so happens that I make an excellent bunny stew."  It was agreed by all that bunny stew sounded like a fine idea.

"I would like learn to make stew of bunnies," Teal'c intoned.  "It is a skill that might perhaps be useful later."

Duncan looked at Teal'c a moment, then smiled his most charming smile.  "Of course, Teal'c.  I'd be delighted.  And, Sam?"

"Mmm?"

"I'll bring the chocolate syrup back in a moment."

"Thank you so much, Duncan."  She raised up on the balls of her feet and bobbed in anticipation.

"Certainly."  He paused, almost out of the doorway.  "Um, there's just one thing."

The room's occupants turned and looked inquiringly.

"What's with all the bunnies? Sam said there were hundreds, in the beginning.  Hundreds?  Does it really take that many bunnies to get you all naked?  I havna seen that many bunnies since..." he looked sideways at Methos, looked slightly embarrassed, then frowned.  "Well, no, actually.  I've never seen tha' many bunnies.  Ever."

Jack smirked, disbelieving.  "Oh, I suppose you just get laid whenever you want.  It just... happens, does it?"

"Well..." Duncan gestured at the bed Jack and Daniel were still laying on.  "You'll notice that wherever I am there's a large, obvious bed.  You think I don' use them?  Don' you have beds where you come from?"

Jack tried to remember the last time he'd seen his bed.  Daniel remembered a ribbon-device-induced hallucination wherein he dreamed about sleeping with his wife in a bed.  Sam was pretty sure she didn't own a bed.   It was a very, very depressing thought.  The room had gotten quiet.  Duncan nodded thoughtfully.

"I see.  Well, you're welcome to stay as long as you like.  I have plenty of beds and large, cushy couches in the living room, too.  Come on, Teal'c.  Bunny stew."

"Couches, too?"  Jack whined a little.  "He gets couches, too?"

"You have couches, Jack.  You don't do anything the slightest bit interesting with them, but you have them."  Daniel was pouting.  "It's no wonder it took me four years to get a kiss."

"We're seriously getting the short end of the stick here, people."   Jack then noticed that Sam was counting, and frowning.  That was never a good combination.  "Carter?"

"...nineteen, twenty, twenty-one...Sir, by my calculations, we have less than ten lines of dialogue left before the bunnies start re-appearing."

"How can you possibly calculate...." he threw up his hands.  "Fine.  Gotcha."

From across the room, Amanda and Methos separated from the quiet debate they'd been having.  Amanda smiled a dazzling smile at Daniel.  "Daniel, darling, be a dear and get your pretty ass over here, would you?"  She then reclined herself gracefully into a large overstuffed chair.  Methos extended a hand to Daniel, who glanced at Jack for approval, then moved his ass to Amanda's instructions.

Jack spent a moment grumbling to himself that MacLeod got chairs, too, then grinned The Grin up at Sam and Janet.  Sam and Janet grinned back at him, at each other, and back at him again.  At that moment, Duncan stepped back into the room, pressed a bottle of chocolate syrup into Sam's waiting hand, and disappeared again.  Sam grinned even more broadly, and took up Janet's wrist with her other hand.

"Come on, Janet.  There's something I've been dying to try."  And with that the two of them headed for Jack.  Jack crossed his arms behind his head and looked very, very smug.

Daniel lifted his head up from what Amanda had him doing and said to the room at large, "There's one thing I don't understand."

Amanda grumbled.  "Does he ever stop asking questions?"

A chorus of sticky, chocolate "no's" resounded from the bed, but no one uttered any dialogue.  Daniel ignored them all.  "If the bunnies are all gone, how do we know when this story is fini...."


End file.
